Sunday, November 16, 2008

New Concepty English for Education of Weekend



This is a business card from a shop in Shanghai that I went to because I really needed some biggilet lie fallowpants. I think "Welcome the lately old customer come" sounds like a good title for a short story.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Nature Calls

Western style toilets are becoming common in China. I'm not really sure how common, because I haven't had the chance to visit the homes of any local Chinese. The bathrooms in all of the modern apartments I have seen are equipped with familiar plumbing. In new areas like where we are, the plumbing can handle toilet paper. In older areas, there is always a little trash can by the toilet where you are expected to dispose of your used wipes.

There are, apparently, Chinese jokes about people trying to stand on a sit-down toilet. I doubt there is much reality to that. They are probably just jokes to make fun of country bumpkins. Then again, the great Mao Zedong himself refused to use western style toilets. When he made visits to Moscow, he would demand that a platform be built around the facilities in his hotel room, so he could stand above the toilet. Great visual image, that one.

Public toilets will typically have one stall with a western toilet, and the rest are squat toilets. That might seem like a nice concession to Westerners, but let me tell you it is not. If you think that you are horrified by the thought of using a squat toilet, it is only because you haven't personally been faced with the choice. At that moment of choice, you suddenly realize that they have done you a great service by giving you any option other than sitting on that thing.

So now it is time for your short quiz.

Question:
You are on vacation in China and you gotta to go. Which toilet do you use, Toilet A, or Toilet B?



If you are having any trouble choosing, let me give you a close-up view of Toilet B. This one is definitely worth clicking on the image so you can really see the details.
Yes, those really are maggots. And they are alive.

Answer:
:
None of the above. Avoid Chinese public toilets at all cost. Go before you leave. Go again before you leave. If you do have to go, go with the squatter. If, like our family, you like to go camping, you can just think of it like crapping in the woods. And if you are squeamish, you may want to consider not coming at all. Because in that case, your other options are: Don't drink water, don't eat, never get farther than half and hour away from home base, or bring a supply of adult diapers.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Little Sister is Watching You

I thought I would tell a little story that you all might find amusing. This one happened a few weeks ago, and it combines two facets of the daily life in China experience. First, the "hardware wars", my ongoing quest to find all of the little fasteners and doodads I would like to have to get our apartment set up properly. Second, the constant feeling that you are being stared at and talked about by scores of Chinese people.

I've explained that first issue in detail already, so I'll skip over it and go on to the second. We get watched all the time. Here in SIP (Suzhou Industrial Park) it isn't so bad, because there are a lot of Westerners. However, the deeper you venture into real China, the more intense it gets, and it is often no more than a street away. I've been riding my bike a lot, and whenever I leave the main streets and go into the side neighborhoods, what little Western Civilization there is here disappears instantly. People look at me like I'm the first gringo they've ever seen.

It can get a whole lot worse for others. We were in one local store with an African family in line in front of us, and they were stared at by everyone the entire store all the way to the door. Some friends of ours have a little girl with striking blue eyes, and she gets crowded by women wanting to pick her up. I hear the same kinds of stories from families that are very blond. Garden variety blondeness doesn't seem to attract much attention, but there are several Swedish and Finnish families here, and I can only imagine how much they get stared at (Lars and Ulrika, don't let that discourage you from visiting us).

Local people don't just stare at us, they stare at what we are doing. At the grocery store, they are often fascinated with what we are buying. I still don't understand much they say of course, but I'm learning. They will talk about what we are buying, how much we might be spending, etc. Friends have had incidents in which passers-by go so far as to dig through their shopping carts to see what they have in them.

Back to my story. One of the main hardware items I wanted to find were wall anchors. As I said before, even the Home Depot-type store doesn't have a hardware section. However, I have found that a few items of hardware are scattered throughout the store, placed with other items with which you might need to use them. That is the way I finally found some wall anchors, which were inconspicuously hung on a peg near some shelf brackets. I've since bought several packages, just to keep them on hand.

Chinese shopkeepers and cashiers can be real busybodies, and it is not unheard of for them to arbitrarily decide that you don't actually need to buy a specific something. An extreme example of this happened to a music teacher friend, who failed in an attempt to purchase an accessory for a musical instrument, simply because she couldn't convince the owner that she had one of those instruments at home. I've heard other stories from friends of not being allowed to purchase the last of an item! With such scenarios in mind, I bought my wall anchors only two packages at a time, as I didn't want them to think that I was depriving someone else who might need them for the shelf brackets they were specifically placed next to.

The last time I bought some wall anchors, I happened to also be purchasing some "floating" wall shelves, for which the mountings are invisible once they are installed. I had put the shelves in my cart first. When I picked up my two packages of wall anchors, a store employee happened to be right there. From the moment I touched the packages, it was clear that this small young woman was not at all satisfied with my selection. She really wanted to say something, and she continued to follow me from a distance as I went through the store.

Finally, I passed again by the same spot where I had picked up the anchors, and she made her move. She said something long and complicated that included the word "no", and then she reached into my cart and picked out the anchors and put them back on the peg!

I politely smiled, and I took them off again, saying in English that yes, I did want them. She took them out of the cart and put them on the peg again. This time, she reached into my cart and began to unwrap the shelves. I realized at this point what she was up to. She was trying to show me that the shelves already had anchors included.

I smiled, and took the wall anchors from the peg again. This time I kept them in my hand, which completely flumoxed her. By this time, however, a second, older woman had approached, and the younger woman began to explain the situation to her with a staccato urgency. With the assumption that the older woman was being dragged in because she understood at least some English, I said "I understand, I want to buy these for something different".

The older woman looked at me. The younger woman looked at her. Then, without warning, the older woman reached up and gave the girl a solid "you idiot" slap to back of the head. She said something, and then shuffled away shaking her head and muttering to herself.

The girl gave me a big sheepish grin with a shrug, and then slinked away.

I made it home with my wall anchors.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Monday Miscellany

My more or less weekly round-up of random pictures.


Lee with about 1/3 of the boxes we shipped. We still haven't really settled what happened to some of the things that are missing.




Derelict cranes along a canal north of Suzhou.



A view of Central Park.




John's enormous foot protruding from under his blanket while he slept.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Chinese DVDs

I've been thinking about this new post for some time. It will take me a lot more work than most, but I just spent 90 minutes choosing and scanning the pictures for it, so I'm ready to go.

We've been buying quite a few DVDs here. There are barely any movie theaters, and they typically don't show any English subtitles (not that we have been to one to see for ourselves). However, there are DVD shops everywhere.

Well, they were everywhere at first. Then, they all shut down for several weeks. From some expat friends who are married to locals, I finally heard that there was a big police crackdown. Apparently, Suzhou received a government recognition as a model city of some sort, so their was a huge push to crack down on illegalities, both large and small. That was also why there was so much traffic enforcement at our nearest intersection.

For a while, there were guys out selling DVDs streetside off of temporary stands. Now all the shops are back in business. Obviously the shops were able to wait out the cops.

The DVDs are all, by definition, pirated. One could have ethical qualms about that if one wished, but there is literally nothing else to buy. A typical single movie costs 10 RMB, or about $1.50. A boxed set for a television show might cost anywhere from 70 to 150 RMB. Video games, buy the way, are even cheaper. Except that only about one in four will actually work.

The quality varies wildly, although it is often better than you would think. We have only purchased one that was just filmed in a theater with a camcorder, the movie 10,000 B.C. The movie was so bad that there wasn't much a bad pirating job could do to make it worse.

Despite being pirated, there has often been quite a bit of work put into the packaging. However, the packaging is photoshopped and cobbled together in truly bizarre ways. You now that old joke about enough monkeys at enough typewriters would someday write a novel? Maybe they would just produce a pirated DVD. It is better to show than to explain, so without further ado, I give you two items of evidence.

Exhibit A: Battlestar Galactica.


When I was a kid, the premiere of the original Battlestar Galactica was cut off so that President Jimmy Carter could give a speech. If there had been suffrage for pre-teen boys, his 1980 loss to Ronald Reagan would have been even worse (no, that doesn't count as talking about politics).

In any case, if you haven't ever watched it as an adult, the old show really stinks. It isn't as wretched as Buck Rogers in the 25th century (Lee and I once ordered it from our Blockbuster Online account back home to try and watch with the kids, it is worse than you can imagine), but it is bad.

However, this new Battlestar Galactica is really good, except that we had to buy it four times. In the first three sets I purchased, it was missing half of the second season. Apparently the pirates even pirate the pirates, because the copies were all coming from the same bad source.

Looking at a pirated DVD packages is a lot like one of those "Find everything wrong with this picture" features in the newspaper. So if you want to study it and see how many problems you can spot before I go on, by my guest.

Here are some of the more notable anomalies on this package:

Item 1: The front cover photo collage.

This truly is a photo of several of the principal cast members from the show. However...

The background image is taken from a completely different sci-fi TV show: Stargate Atlantis


and this section is from Star Trek
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Now we move on the back cover
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Item 2: The Reviewer Quotes

I'm quite sure that Battlestar Galactica is neither a "Tween Comedy" nor a horror movie. I'm also quite sure that there is not a city called "Geiroit". I'm doubtful that San Francisco has a newspaper known as the "Chronich".

Item 3: The Extra Features Box
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And this is obviously taken from yet another completely different movie. This sort of thing is extremely common on DVD packaging here. Maybe they think no one is going to read the fine print, so why bother making it match?

Exhibit B: Iron Man
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Once again, the packaging looks quite normal at first glance. However, study it closely...
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Item 1: The Reviewer Quote
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This time it isn't actually a review quote at all, just some random text that was cut-and-pasted off of IMDB, a movie info website. Sometimes, you can actually find bad reviews used on the cover, literally saying "This movie sucks".
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Item 2: The Proof of Purchase
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Maybe there is a market for counterfeit DVD proofs of purchase. Can I redeem these for a plush toy or something?
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Item 3: The Aspect Ratio description

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I always check to make sure I'm buying movies widescreen. When I taught high school and sometimes used movie clips to illustrate a point, I would invariably have a kid complain that the top and bottom were cut off. I would try to explain that it fact, to make a full-screen movie, they "panned and scanned", cutting off the sides of a widescreen movie. Some of the dimmer kids never could get the concept. However, in this case, they would have been right..
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A scene from Iron Man, in which Gwenyth Paltrow's chest talks to some guy's chin.
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As you can see, for this disc they took a full screen version (which was already cropped) and then literally chopped off the top and the bottom to make it "widescreen".
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Conclusion:
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Some of this is just typical Chinese bad English. Some of this is just lazy photoshopping over the top of a previous package. But I am convinced that some of this actually has to be intentional. One example that I don't have to show you is a Battlestar Galactica sets that I didn't buy (I'd already bought two at that point, and I wasn't going to buy another just for laughs). The title logo looked exactly the same, except that it was spelled GALACTIGA. Putting together a finished logo like that was not just a matter of typing, and it would have been much more work than just cutting and pasting. I think that there are guys out there amusing themselves by putting stupid things on DVD covers.
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Either that, or I'm back to the monkeys and typewriters explanation.
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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

My Political Last Will and Testament

We launched our international job search almost exactly one year ago. When Lee and I were first drawing up a “pros and cons” list for going overseas, one thing that I put on the “pro” list was that we would miss the presidential elections.

I was being only mildly sarcastic. I have paid only superficial attention to the campaigns. I have read analysis and commentary, but I am blissfully unaware of the debates, the advertisements, and the overall daily news grind. I was a history and government teacher for over a decade before coming here, and I’ve been a serious follower of current events my entire adult life… until now. It feels good, and it has been a substantial relief.

In fact, I even dropped the ball on being able to vote at all this year. We did the initial prep-work on getting absentee ballots, but the follow-through was one more casualty of the “hunter-gatherer” existence of daily survival that defined our first two months in China.

This blog has really been about life in China, and I haven’t had any interest in writing about politics. The elections have prompted me to write this one time, but it may not happen again. If my political interest gets resurrected, I’ll start a new blog to that purpose. That is why I titled this entry My Political Last Will and Testament.

I’m not even going to start out mentioning political parties, because that prejudices people to choose up sides right from the beginning. So I will tell you the one thing that has always mattered to me in life, which is Truth. In one sense, the age of absolute truth died in the modern era, and good riddance. Unfortunately, as humans are prone to do, we have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. We now live in an age of relative truth, and it is killing us.

I’m an absolutist, I suppose. The term is typically used as a pejorative, to describe the intolerant and the inflexible, but I think it needs a rehabilitated definition. I don’t mean that I think I always know what is absolutely true, only that, independent of and above human opinion and prejudice, a final truth always exists. Wise people spend their whole lives not only trying to find as much of it as they can, and they know that the rest of it is out there somewhere. Even if we can’t always find all of the truth, we can get enough of it to live wisely and be free. Somewhere, deep in their minds, I think everyone knows this, but it is terrifying how deeply it has become buried. What has replaced it is a widespread certainty, among people of all political and cultural stripes, that everyone else’s truth is relative, but their own truth never is.

Recently I had yet another run-in with a full-blown conspiracy theorist. Friends have teased me about being obsessed with conspiracy theories. I’m not, except in the sense that in their increasing proliferation in the Internet Age, they have become especially egregious examples of the war on truth.

I won’t address which specific conspiracy theory it was; it doesn’t matter, and my experience has been that those who believe one conspiracy theory believe them all. What struck me most was that this individual kept insisting that “we can’t really know for sure, it is just a matter of opinion”.

Just a matter of opinion… except that he and I both knew that it wasn’t. He was in no way actually giving equal weight to other “opinions”, but only trying to thwart anyone who might try to counter his. In his mind, he clearly spoke the truth, and it was only labeled an opinion for tactical purposes. It was an “opinion” that had no reason to exist other than to legitimize his contempt for “the establishment”, and since it was "just" an opinion, he felt free of the burden of contradicting, or even knowing, all of the facts, logic, evidence, and overwhelming expert consensus that stood against him.

And that effectively summarizes what I fear is becoming of our culture and our politics, in the United States and elsewhere. Truth is opinion, and opinion is truth. Politically speaking, we are becoming a nation of conspiracy theorists. We have given ourselves licence to make up our own truths, and it will bring us to ruin. Just this week, I read a profound statement (from a book I may get back to writing about later).

“A society in which no one is prepared to tell the truth, whether about historical events, small or large, or commercial transactions, individual or corporate, cannot prosper”

Surprisingly little of my political dismay is tied up in traditional “issues”. I’ve always felt that a citizen of a democracy has two core responsibilities, to vote his or her informed conscience, and to accept the will of the majority even when they don’t like it. Both political parties have much in their traditional platforms that I can get on board with, but both are now being run by their angry activists. While good and caring people in both parties go on thinking that our elections are about government policies, programs, and issues, the real fight is over truth. Sadly, both see extremists of the other side as mortal threats to our society, but they excuse their own side's extremists as harmless eccentrics.

I get most angry at the Left. That doesn't inherently include Democrats, and the only political party I was ever actually registered in was the Democratic Party. However, it is the Left that has the philosophical affinity with the historical sources of modern “relative truth”. Marxism asserted that all accepted truth is really just the self-justifying propaganda of the ruling elite. Deconstructionism, which similarly holds that all truth is relative, takes it so far that a person can’t even own their own thoughts, since their own words can be twisted and reinterpreted to any new meaning. These ideas, and their cousins, have trickled into every corner of our culture. They have given opportunistic people the opening to make all truth into mere ideology.

If any Democrats out there are now feeling offended, let me point out that there was no foreordained necessity for them to ever become so closely allied to the Radical Left. However, the Reactionary Right, instead of standing against this trend, has been infected by it. They may oppose the Left’s politics, but they have copied their methods. There was a time before either party had succumbed to the temptations of their own political fringe. The Democrats drank first and drank deepest, but the Republicans are at the well with them. The labels of “radical” and “reactionary” are tragically appropriate, as they are now permanently bound to each other. Both sides excuse the most outrageous lies, as long as they come from their own side’s propagandists.

In America, truth is very close to being wholly politicized. The Left seems intent on breaking down every single standard, value, tradition, hero, and common purpose we have ever had as a nation. Yet they offer little to replace them, and the very real possiblity that any new standards will fall to the same fate. This moral entropy is creating an absolutely toxic environment in which to raise our children, and may eliminate any hope of healthy national unity. The Right pretends that they stand against this, but mostly they have turned to the comfort of wishful thinking, clichés and jingoism. They don’t think through their ideas, they just make sure they oppose the Left.

If I were voting this year, I would vote for John McCain. However, assuming that Barack Obama wins the Presidency, I'll accept it. I don’t like his inexperience, or his ties to the Radical Left, but I’ve seen modest signs in his campaign that he is a pragmatic man. That is different that being a moderate, as the media has assured us he is, but I'll take what I can get. Perhaps he will be moderate in practice, although I doubt it. Even if he is not, he hopefully will have limited power to advance Leftist ideology. The panicking Republicans who think he is going to usher in a Socialist state need to have more confidence in the structure of our our entire government, which demands consensus at every turn. I'm hoping that there are still enough Democrats in Congress who are not radical Leftists to prevent anything too reckless. Our political system is less susceptible to great policy shifts, for better or for worse, that any other (by the same token, angry Democrats need to remember that Bush pursued the Iraq War only with the willing and informed vote of a majority of Democratic congressmen, and quit acting like he is some sort of rogue dictator).

Republicans were never going to support Obama anyway, which means that his biggest political challenge may well be facing the rage of the Radical Left if he doesn’t do what they tell him to. Of course, if we do enter a new Great Depression, all bets are off on what changes could be in store.

I’m choosing to look on the small bright side of his election, which is proving to the rest of the world what we Americans have known all along: that we are the world’s most open and tolerant society, where anyone can grow up to be President.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

New Concepty English for Education of Weekend

My semi-weekly roundup of fractured Chinese English.

As I said, last week I helped take the 4th grade class on camp. We went to Agriworld, which I suppose could be described as a Communist Knott's Berry Farm. By that I mean it was built, and is maintained, with absolutely zero evidence that its owners/managers care whether or not anyone ever actually comes.
Everything was very haphazard and cursory, and many areas in it look like someone had a bright idea and then abandoned it. Apparently, it was once a state hydroponics farm of some sort, and has now been reworked into a facility for school outings. Being that it is China, who knows what the real story is. It could be the neglected project of some unambitious child of a Party bigshot, or it could literally be the property of the Chinese Army (I'm not being facetious about that at all, the military has its fingers throughout the economy).

Still, there is fun to be had at Agriworld, and we all had a really good time at camp. At the gate, there are two big signs showing all of the available activities (several of which are derelict, or nowhere to be found). There are a lot of laughs to be had on these signs, but I gave close-ups of the two that amused me the most: for horse riding and for paintball.